(not ms) Heartbroken grandma !!

We have just been told yesterday that my beautiful 4 yr old non verbal autistic granddaughter needs to go to a special school, because she’s not learning anything at all in her mainstream nursery.i can’t begin to tell you how heartbroken we are, she’s my first grandchild she’s my daughter’s first born and i can’t cope with seeing the pain she’s in with it,i really can’t handle it at all,believe me, i am trying my best.

I am quite used to having to deal with heartache like a lot of us, have to,but this has done something to me that i know i will never recover from, i really do think its going to finish me off.I feel as though my heart has been ripped out and stamped on.

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Oh Mrs J, I feel your pain, but let me try to give you some words of encouragement. My daughter works in a special school and has had lots of children come from main stream who have varying degrees of problems, and because the class size is much smaller, sometimes only up to 10 and 3 adults, they get a lot more one to one treatment, and come on in leaps and bounds, and sometimes return to main stream with assistance.

Hang in there, whilst this at the moment is all very upsetting, this may just be the making of your granddaughter, I have everything crossed that this is the case.

Take care of yourself.

Pam x

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Mrs J. Please, please don’t despair. You WILL recover from this! Once you and your daughter, come to terms with this news, you will see it really is NOT the end of the world, but the start of a better one for you all. It is like most things, the initial shock leaves you rigid, and you torture yourself with the worse case scenario situations. Your granddaughter will only be shown love and care, and will be in a safe environment there and this will (most likely) follow through her schooling.

My youngest daughter had twins, when her first child was only eleven months old. Three children under 12 months! She however, endured a cot death of one of those babies aged a few months old. I thought my heart would break in two, seeing her in so much pain, and there was nothing I could do to take that away. She wasn’t even 25 years old.

Her physically/mentally abusive husband, almost strangled her about twelve months later and she eventually left him. He went on to become a registered sex offender having got a very young teenager pregnant, and is currently in prison for this. More pain to be endured. I honestly do not know how I got through these awful times, let alone her.

Not long after starting school, her remaining twin, was moved to another school. She needed to attend the specialised speech and language unit there. Her first child (now in double digits) is awaiting diagnosis for “something in the autism spectrum”. Both children had to move to this school for practical reasons. How much more was my daughter to be put through? How much more could I bear?

This little girl has come along in leaps and bounds there and after two years, she is now full time mainstream. She is by no means academic, and will never set the world on fire, but she is a happy little girl. Never confident, often teased by her peers and as innocent as the day is long, but she will grow into a lovely young woman one day. In the grand scheme of things, this is really all that’s important.

I can only say to you, remember how you felt when you were diagnosed with MS. Shocked, scared, angry, “why me?”, and then you put it into context and seek out information and get things put in place to help you…and life carries on, just differently. You, and your daughter, will find yourselves doing that with this situation. Give it time, and all will be okay. You and your daughter will find strength and will grow stronger together. xx

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Thanks, Pam, its still very raw but i have had lots of people tell me it will be for the best, and i think it will.I think she will be accepted more in a special school and i also think it will be better for her.We sort of knew she would need to go to a special school but the system where we live is to put them in the mainstream to start with and see how they go.Shes only been in nursery 6 months and they have assessed her every 6 weeks or so.But its becoming more clear that she would struggle with a normal school routine because she won’t sit still for a minute.I am ok,one minute i am in despair, next minute i feel ok.I just wish i could take my daughters pain away, she suffers from low self-esteem and depression and still allows her ex to bully her on facebook, god how i hate facebook it needs banning.I am really ill with my MS with all this stress and cant do a thing to help.

It just all became too much this afternoon, but i have managed to calm a bit now.

Thanks for your reassurance.It helped put it in perspective.

J x

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Thank you for your reply,it just got all too much and i expect it will until we get used to the idea.As a mum we just want to take our kids pain away don’t we?

My daughter was also in an abusive relationship, she left him a few yr ago, but he still bullies her and thinks hes a wonderful father to my granddaughter when he isn’t at all,hes scum he really is.

You and Pam made me see things more clearly, thank you for that,it means a lot.The help always come from lovely people like yourself who have gone through a lot themselves.

J x

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Hello Jackie, Ive just read your message, i really feel for you, ive been there myself with my girls Rosanna now 26 and Molly 15, both times it was hard particularly with Rosanna she was picked up with significant delay as a 2 year old and given a special needs place in a mainstream nursery but when it came to starting school she was put into a special needs school, i remember being so sad and pleading with the local primary school that my other two went to. I really thought that if she went to mainstream that she would catch up…now i realise that the special school was the right place they helped her so much. Molly was similar she lost her skills at 18 months and was still in nappies with very little speech when she went to school this time i was more prepared and she thrived in the special school. When she was 8 they moved her to a mainstream with a unit for autistic spectrum disorders…i have to say she struggled there, the reason they moved her was partly because the special needs school had hardly any girls, Molly was the only one in her class and it was thought that she would benefit from associating with the girls. It was nice for her but unfortunately the school didnt have as much support for Autism and Molly suffered at times because of that. Now shes at a brilliant secondary school for Autistic spectrum disorders and she is doing so well. There isnt a magic cure unfortunately but shes so happy and that’s all we could wish for.

I hope that helps

Sending Hugs Michelle xx

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Thanks Michelle was going to message you, but i didn’t want to trouble you, as i saw you had put a post saying you felt unwell.

my daughters really upset, because she was thinking when in the nursery she would soon catch up.I always had my doubts, although i was hoping too and even though i was half expecting it,it has hit me like a ton of bricks.We are starting to realise it will be for the best, though, it would be a lot worse for her to struggle in the mainstream school.

Its exactly a year since we got her diagnosis and we were just starting to come to term with it and feel like we are back to square one, but we realise now this will be always the case.It comes over us in big waves of grief.We are also finding the looks and comments hard to deal with when out with her, them thinking she’s just been naughty.It makes me feel so angry.

What makes it even worse is i can’t help my daughter im too ill and she’s a one parent family with no support from anyone, and i can see how hard it is on her.

J x

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Hi Mrs J,

I feel so for you! My grandchildren own my heart!

I have a friend with autistic twins, one went to a special school and one stayed in mainstream school.

Daniel who goes to a special school is doing so well and is so happy…sadly Nathan who stayed in mainstream school is very unhappy and very angry with the world…they are coming up to GCSE age and Nathan realizes he is not up to the exams like his classmates and it’s putting an incredible amount of pressure on him. I know my friend would choose special school for both of them given her time again.

Thinking of you and sending you hugs, take care,

Nina

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Thanks, Nina, i am slowly coming round to the idea that a special school will be better.I think she will be understood a lot more too.I must admit that i was scared to death of her been in a secondary mainstream, not so much primary.My daughter wants her to go into reception in mainstream because i think she’s still thinking she might catch up with the others, but the senco has said that they feel she would struggle in yr 1.

I think a mainstream school is cruel for kids with autism, however, mild they might be.In fact i think the milder they have it the worse it can be for them to get any support and they have to struggle with fitting in with their peers, your friend’s twins is a perfect example.

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