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No support from close friend

I have a close friend who I’ve been supporting for the last 15 yrs as she had walking problems she still drives and gets about she doesn’t work but has interest in horses and has other animals her husband died 4 yrs ago so I’ve been spending allot of time with her as she doesn’t have anybody else no close family or friends then I was diagnosed just under a yr ago so obviously been going through my own stuff but very lucky to have a great husband and still to be very mobile and working full time and I’ve been doing more things with him as I’d like to while I can we enjoy walking and taking the dog out I still go down to see her every day as my horse is there and like to ride as much as possible. She sees other lady’s/ friends down the yard but she’s been saying she hardly sees me anymore when I see her every day and she actually told the 2 lady’s about my ms which upset me allot because it wasn’t her place I don’t mind people knowing but it’s my place to tell people when Iam ready Iam still trying to come to tearms with it myself and can’t actually say the words out loud I don’t want to fall out with her but she’s quite difficult to get along with she’s always gossiping about somebody so I guess she’s doing the same about me. She’s not interested in how Iam feeling or what appointments I’ve got coming if I start talking about how Iam doing Which isn’t oftern she changes the subject back to talking about herself. I don’t have to actually keep my horse where she is as it takes me 15 mins to drive there everyday when I can actually keep her in my own village that’s in walking distance I keep her there to help her out more than anything. She just never sesames to realise that maybe I need to do something for myself and it’s not just about her all the time but don’t want to fallout. Just wanted to tell someone because don’t really have anybody to tell as I don’t want to be the one doing the gossiping 

I have MS

To be honest Horsegirl, she doesn’t sound like much of a friend. Why not just move your horse to be more convenient for you? And if she (or anyone else) asks why, just tell them it’s convenience - your MS could be a reasonable excuse if she asks. 

She most certainly isn’t a very good friend if she’s gossiping about you and telling people about your diagnosis without your having made people aware of it yourself. Good friends don’t gossip about each other. 

It is very much a personal matter as to when and how, or even if, to disclose your MS publicly. When it’s just people you are acquainted with, but who aren’t good friends, then your diagnosis is none of their business. 

Best of luck. 

Sue

Thanks sue it sounds stupid Iam two scared to tell her Iam moving my horse it’s like Iam trapped I no I should do what’s best for me and your right friends shouldn’t gossip about each other Iam definitely trying to work up the courage and it’s nice to be able to talk about it

No your not trapped not at all. We all make our own prison bars. I feel even though you are annoyed with her, you still like her as a friend and I feel that your a very kind and caring person, and your brain is not happy with you to just cut ties, as its not YOU or how you deal with things.  You know she too has had a bad time, and you feel its part of your job in life to make sure she is ok, even if she is upsetting you as its going against your grain of ethics. 

I have a neighbour who I have done nothing but help since i moved into my sheltered flat. I encouraged her and helped her to apply to move as she wants to be nearer her family and i went on every week to the Internet and showed her to how to bid for houses. I did a lot for her, then I found out she was two faced, and quite frankly spiteful and rude.  She thought it was my job then to do these things.  It was so bad really i put up for a lovely flower basket to brighten outside her flat. she is short so found it hard to water it so i would struggle everyday to try and keep it watered for her, (it meant walking to her flat just a few yards but on really uneven ground) i kept it up for several weeks, then it got to much as the sun came. so i moved it down for her onto a hand rail. it still look pretty.  It was dead in a week as she couldn't be bothered to care for it, and expected me too water it. when it had died of neglect she said well what you going to do with it?  I just bit my tongue lol. I wont say what was in my brain i would get banned for sure lol. She was so selfish and lazy she just expected me to do it and yet although she is 75 she is really healthy and mobile. thinking on it she goes out everyday and never once has asked me if i need anything for the shops. It sounds like your friend is from the same mould lol. 

I am a little like you i think no matter how i get beaten by someone I need to feel the good in them and make excuses as to why i should keep doing it as to stop makes me feel bad about MYSELF. 

BUT she did upset me one day I am Italian descent and take a lot of carp before i get mad, and she made me mad.  That was it. I dont help her now, If i see her i just exchange a few pleasantr'ys with her. 

BUT enough is enough. 

You have reached that, and kind of asking us permission to break up with her if that makes sense.  Sorry i say as i see it if i am wrong i am sorry but it comes from my heart and i have been there belive me. 

So what to do.  You slowly drop into conversations you are getting really tired with your MS, and although you enjoy your time with her, it may have to be that you move your horse. You dont have to do it WHAM. take a little time laying down the foundations. It will make you feel better as i know you don't want to upset her its not in your nature to do that. 

You can then organise it, and slowly when your feeling ready let go of the reins (sorry i had to do that lol), of your friendship you wont feel quite so bad and you can also say, that you feel now she has more friends around her you feel its time to let her try on her own without you as you need more time learning about your MS and spending good days with your husband as your not sure how long it will all last. 

I have been without mine for 2 years nearly now after he died, and i fend better for myself to be honest.  

You must have seen this side of her before perhaps as you were not diagnosed then and had more emotional strength you coped with it and put a blind eye to it. 

No hun your not scared to tell her and your not trapped, belive me. Just go slow but you can do it. She has her own demons to cope with, but you don't need hers added to your own. 

good luck your a good person. Its going to be her loss not yours, but just really go back to the way you were before her husband died she can cope now without your support and you dont need to be upset like this. xxx

horsegirl

just come out with it and tell her that you can no longer access her stables so you are moving the horse to somewhere more convenient for you.

do it!

Hi horsegirl

You come in to this world alone and you will go out alone. People are around you during your precious time on earth so make sure all of those people are bringing something to the party!! Some people are takers who never invest and others are fakers who pretend their your friend

Sounds to me like you're a lovely person with a lot reason to be happy so don't carry people or things around you th at aren't bringing that.

Moving your horse wouldn't be a problem to a good friend as they would realise it's more convenient to you, with or without your ms, and your friendship would sustain a distance that takes 15 mins to overcome.

As For her telling people I don't know what to say that Sue hasn't already. It's unfortunate but I've found that you become the girl (/man) with ms. You will begin to own that as you realise it's not a label and doesn't define you.

Move your horse, tell her your not overly impressed that she is gossiping but you would like to maintain a friend ship and then the balls in her court. You meet so many people in life that come and go it's been a nice friendship but you've more than done your part it doesn't need to end or be on a negative you just need to re-assses. If it's the end of your friendship so be it.

Enjoy your party (life) with your husband for as long as it lasts ! Personally I make sure mine is invite only and the after party will be to die for lol!

Xx

Thanks guys I do no what I have to do but saying it and doing it are 2 different things

totally agree with Carol58.
….you may not always feel like driving for 15 minutes and because of that you'd feel happier if the horse lived nearer to you..... tell her you hope she'll come over to see you and the horse when things are settled....