I have noticed my newly diagnosed husband becoming down, angry, frustrated and depressed about his PPMS recently. He will not consider seeing a doctor about it, or going to a local support group (as he says he does not wish to see “his future” there), contacting the MS nurse or using a forum. I don’t know what else to suggest. Obviously he can talk to me about how he feels, but he tends not to, and naturally although I can empathise, I am not in his shoes so can only imagine how he must be feeling. Any suggestions welcomed.
My partner was diagnosed a little over 2 years ago now. It sounds like you are doing all the right things! Its normal that he will get down, angry and even a little depressed but it’s such a massive diagnosis, that in my opinion, I think it just shows that he is digesting it and taking it seriously. What I’d suggest is letting him be upset(to an extent) he needs to let it out to cognitively process. At the same point, when it gets too much, distractions are key. Try and keep things as normal as possible. Don’t let him hermitise! It’s important that he realises the worlds not changed. Today would be the same with or without the diagnosis, the only thing that’s changed is his perception of it. Before my partners diagnosis, I used to give her piggy backs when she felt tired, now, she wonders if people are thinking that she “looks disabled” so refuses them. Realistically, nothings changed but her veiw on it. Show him all the things that haven’t changed. Don’t get sucked into the worrying future because it’s too unpredictable! There’s no set course for any one sufferer so try not to subscribe to futures that are unlikely. Keep him living in the now! Keep up the good fight and he’ll get through this, you both will.
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Hello ‘Anon’, I am also down, angry, frustrated and depressed at times…, I have also been diagnosed with PPMS now quite a few years ago (although I am still able to drive a car for example), we also have a daughter-with-severe-learning-difficulties who has now moved out and receives 24/7 supervision, my son has issues at university (1st year), my wife also has an history of bad health although recovered enough to be the only ‘breadwinner’ (as we say in The Netherlands where I originate from) right now, and most of my dutch family ignores my british family because some witch took in the place of my beloved mother a few years after her passing, and is the worst gossip machine you can imagine…
Our dog however is wonderful company and so is my wife, who is a wonderful cook, mother, musician and has a natural urge to care for others…, lucky me! I am not a regular visitor to the local MS centre either, neither do I need the help of the MS nurse, whoever this is these days… Your husband should count his blessings, as you seem to be a loving and caring person. Do I need to say more?.. I realize that my bla bla is just bla bla from a stranger but…, if it makes you or your husband think about one and another (again), then that’s a ‘result’…remember, you are not on your own.
So, I’m going to have a glass of wine now and will ‘park’ my emergency bottle as well as my stick nearby… Proost! (Cheers!)
Take care, Jos 
The diagnosis of MS can affect people in different ways. A common reaction is to feel grief for a way of life that wasn’t expected. I’ve copied the following from a website on the subject.
Hi Anon, yep thats the usual way it goes after such a heavy diagnosis. We hate it...we loathe it....it can overcome our every thought...awake or asleep.....but in the moments when we can be logical...we can see things more clearly. Right..make a plan...have a word with ourselves...this MS chuff is with us whether we chose it or not...who the heck did anyway? We cannot push it away....its a stubborn bugger! I`ve lived with it for 22 years and I hate it just as much, but find a way to incorporate it into my life. I want to live…you will do this. Bouds xxx
Bouds again…reading back through your thread and my last comment…I think I was talking to your OH, rather than you as the OP. I was trying to get you to see how a fellow sufferer of MS sees it…in the hope that something I say, might help your OH learn how a very long old timer copes. No matter what ailment we have, we still are VIPs…folk love us, want us, talk to us, listen to us. We still have valued opinions…can still buy things we like…have treats…book interesting events. I could go on…I wont…I get boring! Boudsxx
Thank you Lester, this is really great advice. I am a bit worried he is “hermitising”, although recently we have been going out for a walk every day, just for 15 minutes, to keep his leg active and to get some fresh air. It does help. Towns and cities are more troublesome as he can’t do “slow” walking and getting caught up with other people.
Thank you very much Jos, everyone’s kind replies make me feel that we are not alone. We had a very tough year last year with one blow after another for us and our children, all on top of the diagnosis and coming to terms with that. So maybe it’s to be expected that we are still adjusting to it. I sometimes get overwhelmed myself so goodness knows how it feels for him, and you and all people with MS. I don’t like to say this to him though, because I don’t want him to think I am worried, as this will make him worry about me!
Thank you John. Yes I had forgotten about the five stages of grief which can of course apply to any life event, not only death. I guess I have got to the acceptance stage quicker, as I am not the one affected by MS, whereas for him it will be a longer process.
Thank you Bouds, yes I agree, we are all VIPS! We must continue with a “normal” life as much as possible. Maybe there will come a time when it won’t be at the forefront of our minds but just an aside that we have to take into account. I’m sure we will get there.
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The fact that he can speak to you is the biggest factor at play here - allow him to rationalise things in his own mind, don’t force the issue.You sound like a good caring partner = be the anchor for him for the time being.
I think it is reasonable to be angry, miserable and or depressed, BUT only for a while. In my opinion we should not let the negativity become all consuming (easier said than done) . However if we can accept the negatives but embrace any positives (no matter how small) we can set up a more positive cycle. I say this as someone who can at times disappear up my own exhaust pipe feeling very miserable. I can tell you that in my experience the negative stuff burns up so much valuable energy that it makes me feel worse. If I then grab a positive (eg sunshine - birds - garden etc) this tends to make me more receptive to any other good bits and I have more energy to cope with other stuff. I wish you both all the best.
Mick
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Thank you Camaban, this is good advice. He often says I am his rock, and he is mine. We have been together for 33 years so it’s just as well we do support each other, just not so great at being honest when we feel down. Need to work on that
Thank you Mick. I was talking to someone only yesterday about being as positive as we can be during hard times. I am generally a very positive person; I’m not so good at it when the blows come one after another without time to process them, I get a bit overwhelmed and stressed. But so does everyone I guess. I think I am a bit of a control freak, and MS challenges that. A friend told me I need to let him have his own control over how he handles it and that rung true - if he doesn’t want to tell his workmates, or seek support for instance then that is his choice, even though that’s not how I would handle it if I were in his position. So I’m learning to let go of everything and just go with it, day by day, as I have read several times on this forum - this is the best way to cope with MS, as someone living with it, or as a partner.
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My husband was diagnosed 13 years ago. It is with sadness that i feel he is no further on his path to acceptance of his spms diagnosis. This means he is in a constant battle with himself to prove MS will not change his life. That may sound like a great attitude, and that he is a positive person who sees the best in everything. The reality is the exact opposite. He is completely unable to live the life or take any pleasure from the new life he now has. He is in a v dark place, has recently attempted to take his own life, he just does not seem to be able to move on from the initial feeling of complete despair and that life is a futile waste of time. As his wife of 40 years, it is heartbreaking for me to witness and live with his Outlook on life, to the point that whatever i try to do to improve the quality of our lives, he cannot accept. Im at near breaking point, and considering my own future. Normal Saturday night and he’s in bed at 6.25pm. Joy!