Its all new to me

Caring for someone with MS
1

Hello.

My male friend has recently told me he has a mild form of MS. The only reason he told me was because we became quite close and began seeing each other. When he told me I went on-line to try and find out what was MS and how it effects him. Things had been going great and we were slowly getting to know each other on a more intimate level. I know I have to be patient as he gets tired very easily and does not like to talk about his feelings. Only a few people know about his condition and that is the way he wants it to be and I am fine with this. However recently he has started to push me away and wishes for us to remain friends but that is it. I have said ok to this but i feel that he is been unfair. I know that this relationship wont be easy however I feel that it is worth trying to make a go of things. He says he does not want to put me in the poistion were I will have to care for him and that it is easier for me to not be involved. He says he doesn’t want a relationship with anyone. However I know he cares a lot for me and I am afraid of losing him as a friend. I want a relationship with him but I also have to respect his wishes. Part of me is angry that he is letting MS rule his life he is still leading an active life and is looking at the down side of it all when there is the fact that you dont have to look at it this way when you can take the positives of your life and not let it beat you.Sorry if i am not coming across well but this is all new to me and i dont know how else to express how i am feeling. Can anyone offer any advice in how i am to support and help him.

2

My heart goes out to you. I am afraid I cannot help very much but did not want to read without responding. All I can suggest is that you call the MS helpline as incredibly knowledgeable, practical, helpful people man the phones. I am sure someone far more qualified than I will be along soon to offer some support. You sound a lovely caring person. You do not say how long your friend has been diagnosed. He may still be getting his head round his diagnosis. Hang on in there I am sure you will find some help from the folk on these boards.

3

Thanks for replying. He has been diagnosed for 4 years. He does become quite depressed but I want him to know I am there for him even if it is just for me to listen to him. I feel privileged he told me considering he has told very few people. I value our friendship and this has become stronger over the months. Thank you again for taking the time to read my comments the fact you even did lets me know that I am not the only person struggling when you want to help the person you care about

4

Hello Anon. I’m no expert but its possible that your friend has isolated himself too much with regards his diagnosis. Four years is a long time too keep this too himself apart from a handful of people. He says he doesn’t like talking about his feelings…thats another red flag!! I wonder how much research he’s done round ms in the last four years…he needs to consider that things may not get any worse. None of us know what’s in the future, he has to move forward and live his life. He could be clinicly depressed, he should go and see his/her gp. Counselling may be of help to him. He’s lucky to have you in his life, I hope he realises that. Good luck to you both

5

I don’t know why I’ve put his/her gp…I despair of my brain sometimes lol

6

Polar bear, my heart goes out to you, I am sorry to hear that you may not have the support you need but everyone needs some in their life. He doesn’t use the forum but I know he has received some letters from other people that have MS. As for me phoning the helpline I haven’t because I feel that my predicament is trivial compared to other people and so I don’t want to waste the time of those on the helpline as they could be helping other people that deserve it more. I hope you find the support you need and remember even if people dont know each other personnally, posts like these can offer support and we are all there for one another no matter what our experience of MS is.

Thanks again for taking the time to send a message.

Blossom

Thank you. I agree that he is partly denying the condition but until he stops this I dont hold out much hope. I know if I mention couselling he will not be impressed and so that is why I try to listen to him and offer my help. I do get annoyed cause like you I do believe he is fearing the worse before it may or may not happen and so I really wish he could see he needs to live on the present and make the most of what is here now. Unfortunately at the moment he does not see it this way and so I will continue to be his friend. Hopefully if anything our friendship will get stronger having it is more important than anything else cause I couldn’t bear to think of him having no one to be there for him.

Thanks for your advice and taking the time to post a reply.

7

You would definitely not be wasting the time of the wonderful people at the other end of the helpline. Your situation is not trivial. It is affecting your life so cannot be considered trivial by anyone least of all the helpline. Please muster the courage to ring them. Sometimes just having someone to listen to you makes the world seem a better place. Wish you all the best.

8

Hi Anon. You sound a really lovely person and you are coming across very well. I understand exactly what you are saying.

All relationships can have their difficult times, whether as friends or more. I suppose I can understand what your friend is saying. I really hope though that when he sees you really want to make a go of things he will re-consider how to move forward.

Just hang in there and I will keep my fingers crossed that you will both find happiness, whether as friends or more. He is lucky to have you around.

And remember there is always the MS Helpline if you need a chat with someone qualified to give you advice.

Take care.

Shazzie x

9

Anon, my heart goes out to you, it’s a very difficult situation.

Personally, I’d like to think I was in a strong marriage BUT I still cannot totally understand why my husband’s still with me, even tho I think I’d be there for him if the boot was on the other foot.

He cannot understand where that comes from… but I think when I get upset it’s because I sometimes really don’t like myself very much, so how could somebody else? If he’s depressed then I guess he’s probably having similar feelings.

You are lovely for wanting to stay with him. It’s also worth thinking about that he might be dealing with issues that he finds embarrassing?

I hope your friendship does weather the storm as I’m sure you are good support for him *but remember, like Shazzie says, you might need some support too)

Sonia x

10

Anon

Your thread struck such a chord with me - it made me cry.

I’m in such a similar situation as you, so though I may not be able to offer advise, I can sympathise.

I started seeing an amazing man 4 months ago ( we met through a dating website), I liked him immediately. He told me about his ms on our 3rd date - I told him it didn’t change how I felt about him.

The last 4 months has been a huge period of adjustment - some of which has been very trying and I’ve had difficulty understanding a lot of what he’s going through, although I’ve tried very hard.

We’ve been seeing so much of each other, nearly every day and we’ve been away together, but all of a sudden he has pushed me away and says, like your friend, that he only wants to be friends. I feel utterly destroyed. I love him and even though I’ve never said it outright to him he knows it. He’s hardly communicating with me, but I’ve tried to tell him that I feel he’s doing it because he’s worried about getting too close to me in case I up and leave if he gets worse in the future. I’ve told him that I would never do that. Ever. He hasn’t replied to this theory yet.

This is the most soul destroying, frustrating and upsetting time I’ve ever had in my life. But I know he’s not doing this to hurt me. His brain simply can’t cope with having to worry about me on top of everything else he’s going through.

I’ve told him I will not give up on him!

So I guess all I can say to you is - hang on in there. That’s what I’m doing. Some days are better than others - I’ve cried so much. I hate what ms is doing to him and me. But no matter what my emotions (I’m feeling like a crazy person at the moment) I know that it is so much worse for him so I just have to go with it.

I’m sorry to ramble on but I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. It’s ok to feel scared, angry, frustrated, lost and every other emotion you can possibly think of!

He’s lucky to have you as a friend and more.

DC

11

Hello All

Thank you for taking the time to read my post. Sorry I haven’t replied sooner. All I can say is thank you for telling your own stories and for the advice. My friend and I are exactly that friends and just taking each day as it comes. I am now taking a step back and doing as he asks and just been there as a friend. Whatever lies ahead we will see but at the end of the day I want to be there for him and so I will respect his wishes as that is what is important. If only we had a magic wand in life but that is not the case. I have to say that you all appear very strong people and that you take each day as it come when dealing with MS. That is the thing you just dont always know how each day will be and so I have to learn to wait and see how things will be.

Can I say to DC I really hope it all works out for you and that you will somehow get to the other end of the tunnel and it will be what you and him both want. I wish you well.

Once again thank you for listening, sometimes it is just great to write down your thoughts so that you can ‘breath’ again if you know what I mean.

Take care

Anon

12

Hi I am new to this forum, I care for my wife who as had MS for 5years now it is heartbreaking to see it slowly getting worse year by year,we have been married for 35 years and can understand how it can put a strain on a relationship,it can be a lonley task at times, reading about how other people in the same position would help I think. Will.

13

I think You would definitely not be wasting the time of the wonderful people at the other end of the helpline. Your situation is not trivial. It is affecting your life so cannot be considered trivial by anyone least of all the helpline. Please muster the courage to ring them. Sometimes just having someone to heared to you makes the world seem a better place. Thanks for sharing

14

Hello everyone, firstly I must apologise for not writing for so long but I have made a few life changing decisions and so things are only calming down. As for my friend we have had some ups and downs and right now it is a major down. I am so fond of him as a friend but recent events have made me doubt his feelings for me. One minute it is great and the next it is so hard. I know he does have it hard and how he is when he takes his medication. It is also very hard to get him to talk and I have so much to say so that we can go forward instead of going back. I so want to be his friend, to care for him but I don’t think it is what he wants. I know this is not going to be easy if he ever lets me in but I am here now if only I could make see that. Sorry for going on I know others have it much harder than me but I had to let it out. By the way can I also say thank you to everyone for all your supportive and helpful comments. Talk again soon

15

Hello me again, just want to say but I am anonymous, I had re register and changed my name. Sorry about mix up but my head is all over the place! !